Redefine Your World

Abandonment: There are a number of levels of abandonment. For children, there are the feelings of abandonment that come from divorce or death of a parent. However, the abandonment that is in the context of blank spots is the when a parent is lost in their own struggles and do not have the ability to stop, breathe, and just be there for their children. Their children do not see love in their eyes. This can cause you to fear abandonment in your relationships and, on some level, you recreate it until you know it is really about not to abandon yourself.

Acceptance: There is acceptance and there is acceptance. There is the type of acceptance that is acquiescence which is a sort of submission. It is when you give up because it is too much trouble. The type of acceptance I talk about in this book is the kind of acceptance that is supportive and lets go of judgments. It is an acceptance of wherever that person is, it is their journey, and you support them.

Addiction: I once heard addiction described as whatever you do to change your mood. I had an eating disorder and I would say that is pretty accurate. I ate to stop, start, relax, rev myself up and so much more. I have also heard that the root of addiction is the need for love and connection. I would say that is also pretty accurate, especially self-love. What I know for sure is most addictions can be healed. However, it is not a simple task. It requires you to cut emotional cords to the addictive behaviors, rewire your mind to change habits, open up to ask for support, let go of the focus on symptoms or behaviors, know your triggers, take responsibility for your choices, and know it may be your nature to be obsessive/compulsive and address how to stop. Whew!  Do you see why addictions can be so difficult.

Activism: People who want to create political and social change. They are very active, sincere, and passionate about their causes. The don’t just talk about their beliefs, they do something about it. The want their issues to be heard and acted on. (See also Complainers.)

Aggressive: See Assertive

Aging: I am over 70 years old and most people think I am 50. Part of it is genetics. My family has good skin. Part of it is I do not focus on my aches and pains or the diabetes or the high blood pressure. I just do what I need to do to care for my body and let any concern go. Focus too much on one’s aches and pains only stresses the body even more. I take aging as another one of those challenges that hold within it transformational information.

Aha! Moments: The moment when you experience a new thought that resonates with and expands all that you already know. It changes you and reverberates through your history which changes it also. I often say it is when your mind and heart connect because it is so much more than an intellectual discovery.

Amends: There are numerous ways to right what you have done that feels wrong. An amends is different than an apology. Sometimes it is an amends – expression of regret, an offer to make it right, and a commitment change of behavior. Sometimes it is a living amends – where you change your behavior for good. An amends is not an amends unless it involves that change.

Angels: I believe in angels. When I was a young woman I became deeply interested in angels. I read everything I could on angels. I used to chuckle when I asserted I had a degree in angelogy. (I think there may be such a thing!) I even have an extensive collection of angel figurines. Then, it occurred to me I could go directly to the source – God. I realized then that my need to connect to angels during that period of my life was because I looked for what angels were known for – protection and connection. They gave me what I needed. They are a part of what I still love in my life.

Anxiety: You all have concerns, worries, and nervousness yet they can be real signals or gateways to useful information. Whenever I have felt my mind racing around in circles over something that bothers or worries me, I know for sure something is about to reveal itself if I stay calm and ask for guidance. Key word…ask.

Ask for Help: With the conflicts and lack of clarity about so much in your lives in politics, religion, and family struggles you don’t know who to believe. It is important to seek your own counsel. Yet, when you want to explore some issue to its fullest, a talk with a friend or trusted professional can certainly give you a new perspective. In that view it is not asking for help. Asking for help is when you are totally stumped and need someone else to step and show you what to do. So, when you know the difference you do not feel some “lesser than” person because you do not know everything.

Assertive: When you are assertive to get what you want or need from another, you have respect as a foundation. When you are aggressive or pushy, respect is less present and the need to control more present.

Authentic Self: You become deeply and clearly honest with others. The motivation is clear – just to enjoy their company and learn whatever your journey together brings.

Awareness: Awareness, for me, is about the knowledge it takes to Come Alive. As you work to investigate and explore your blank spots sprinkled with Aha! Moments, you gain increased insight to this thing called life. you open up to new awareness.

Baggage: Sometimes you are aware of the issues that have come from your past. Sometimes you aren’t aware because it is in long lost memories of your unconscious. In the context of Come Alive you find the way to bring out the baggage, understand it, reframe it, and release it.

Balance: When I think of balance I think of moderation. You have a balance in your spiritual beliefs that allows tolerance and compassion. You have balance in your mind and feelings so you don’t get lost in emotions or over-analytical preoccupations. You have balance in your physical bodies so you are healthy and fit.

Being Heard: This is one of the most important aspects of good communication. Even if there is conflict and even if there are blank spots that interfere with the knowledge of the real issues, if you take the time to really listen, you can shift things. Also, you take the time to develop a curiosity about the other person’s point of view, chances are you can eventually get to the real issue and find resolution.

Being Right: If you have to be right or have to come to conclusions on your own, you may have a blank spot such as a confidence blank spot. When you see someone become defensive because you have disagreed with them, what you may have tapped into is a “I’m stupid,” fear. That was how I used to view it. It would devastate my inner world. Then I finally learned that you could both be right. Yes, you could certainly both be right. When you acknowledge that you live in a diverse world and in someone else’s world they are right. This leads to mutual respect and tolerance.

Biases: Generally, biases are prejudices for or against something that are considered unfair. They are usually about people, but not always. They can be about almost anything. They usually involve blank spots that separate and divide us. Biases are generally something that has been modeled in one’s environment. It also may have come from a difficult experience with someone and generalized to a segment of our population.

Black and White Thinking: When I see black and thinking, it usually is someone who is very visual. They have a picture of a situation, experience, or even a person. Everything is then weighed and measured by that picture. It usually is an intellectual concept. To balance out their pictures, as well as their relationships, someone who has a blank spot such as an openness blank spot may want to explore their feeling nature and more flexibility.

Blame: I see blame as mostly a useless path to flow. I see, however, if have some mechanical equipment failure, it might be useful to look what is to blame for the failure. That makes perfect sense. If you live in the world of blame of how others have affected your life, you have missed the point. The point is whatever comes into your life you can choose to see what was given to you or taken from you. When you blame, you are in the realm of a victim who has had something taken from them. That may be real. However, do you want to live there?

Blank Spot: Blank spot is a concept I use to describe an inability to see one’s ineffective or even destructive behavior, and thought patterns. A blank spot is also a lack of basic problem-solving skills that one ought to understand as an adult, but never developed. Blank spots in this book have positive labels that describe what information you do not have or have misunderstood. (See Chapter One for more details.)

Boredom: Boredom is an inside job. Take it outside for a walk.

Boundaries: The simplest way to describe how I feel about boundaries is it a means to distinguish where I am leave off and you begin. Without boundaries you can forget who you are. Without boundaries other people also do not know who you are. Boundaries are actually a way to preserve relationships rather than control them.

Build vs Search: When I explored how to heal the eating disorder and reached a point where I had all of the pieces, I felt complete. The energy shifted from a search for new information on how to get the weight off to how to practice the new paradigm I had moved into. The weight then came off without internal struggle. Any unconscious baggage to process was gone.

Busy: Busy is a good thing when it is part of the flow of your growth and movement toward Coming Alive. Busy is a blank spot when it is distraction you don’t deal with issues. I thought of myself as a high energy, organized, and very productive woman for a lot of years. That is until I faced a core issue of mine – fear of rejection. It all tumbled down I had a fear that if I stopped, I would feel the rejection that I experienced as a child.

Case Building: Ever met someone who no matter what you do or say, you are wrong? Even when they are wrong, they never apologize. These are people who have a blank spot I call case building for love blank spot. For whatever reason you have triggered some old unconscious program or memory that leads them feel unsafe or self-righteous and build a case against us. See also Openness.

Chaos: The dictionary says chaos is complete disorder and confusion. The trouble with a life full of chaos is that it is usually circular where you have one difficulty after another with different people and different situations yet has the same blank spots behind it all. It just appears to be different.

While I tried to give the appearance of living the good life, my inner world was chaotic. When I started to Come Alive, I saw such a difference in the level of peace of mind and confidence that I swore to myself to deal straight out with anything that might take that away. It was a declaration that I would step me out of the chaos and give me a sense of order and movement.

Charge: Similar to reaction. It is the zing in a reaction. It is like you just touched by an emotional electrical device. I see it as a signal you have just tapped into some past experience or emotion that is ready to be released. Most of you experience it as something unpleasant.

Choice: One of your parenting blank spots is to neglect to teach your children they have choices and how to make decisions. What a wonderful area to explore in the choice blank spot. This may be due to an authoritarian type of parenting. While it may keep conflict down, this type of parenting becomes more about power and control. Unfortunately, when children give in, some of their spirit may be lost and their ability to build confidence in their own choices is negligible.

The other aspect of choice for yourself is that you are ultimately responsible for the success of your life. You may not always have a choice about what happens to you, however, you do have a choice on how you react.

Codependency: Simply put, you do something for someone which probably needs to be done by themselves. The down side, especially with children, is the message they get is they are not competent enough to do it themselves. (See also Counter-Dependency and Independence)

Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance is a word from the psychology world that describes when you hold two different thoughts or beliefs that do not support one another. It is like when people smoke yet they know smoking causes cancer.

Come Alive: While I do not consider myself totally free of blank spots, I do wake up each day enthusiastic about my life and work, my feelings are real and alive, my spirituality truly works for me, and I finally live my dreams. I am also free of inner fights that plagued me in the past. I have a sense of peace and happiness. Most important, I found the strength to always respectfully speak my truth – I am now authentic – nothing I say or do is motivated by some vague hope someone will like me if I behave a certain way. This is what Coming Alive looks and feels like to me.”

Comfort: The difference between comfort and pleasure is significant in the realm of feelings. I challenge you to initiate your inner detective and explore that one.

Compassion: The acknowledgement that you all share the same wants and needs as well as struggles.

Communication: Real communication is more than just sharing your thoughts and feelings. Real communication an openness to learn more about what you hear.

Competition: Competition from the perspective of Come Alive is anything that will motivate you. It is not so much about win or lose. It is more about movement forward in your life. If a friendly competition motivates you or a competition with yourself to better what you do motivates you, this is a great use of competition. When competition becomes a blank spot is when you think you have to win, win, win or it defines you as a loser. (See Win or Lose)

Complainer: When I have seen political posts on social media blast away at one political party or the other, I wonder if these people are just complainers. Maybe, they are just whiners or want to vent. I’m greatly disappointed when I get into my researcher mode and it turns out that post information was false. I would ask them are they an activist or a complainer because an activist would make sure the facts were true. They would get all defensive. That confirmed they well may be just complainers. (See Whining and Activist also)

Confidence: To feel certain about your abilities or positions. When one becomes authentic and lives in their Come Alive state, the confidence comes not so much from the belief you are right or know the truth. The confidence comes from the knowledge that no matter what challenge or problem you face, you will benefit from it and are open to any transformational information that shows up in new insights.

Conflict: One blank spot that keeps you from authenticity. It is when you avoid conflict to the detriment of your inner integrity. Another one is you see conflict in every situation and feel you have to be right or the winner. Conflict is a normal part of life. I used to tell my granddaughter, Tia, that all the medications on television such as meds for social anxiety, bladder control, and so on and so forth would eventually have us all exactly the same. How boring? How would you ever learn new things if you didn’t run across different opinions, perceptions, values, and expectations. It is in explorations of your conflicts that new information becomes available.

Control: This blank spot is one doozy of a blank spot. I named this the surrender blank spot. That is because if you have any blank spots which get in your way to Come Alive, you have this tendency to fall into an attempt to control your inner world by control of your outer world.

Counter-dependency: The lack of a bond between parent and child is the basis for this blank spot. It results in your inability or refusal to connect with others. This manifests in not being able to ask for help or develop intimate relationships. (See also Codependency and Independence.)

Creativity: Something that the heart – your feelings – leads you to do. You create something. The act of creating is the fuel that feeds your growth and movement.

Crisis: I lived in chaos and crisis for many years. The sad thing about it was I was not even aware I was in trouble or had difficulties. That is because I had blank spots which prevented me from acknowledgement of anything negative. I lived in a rainbow and butterflies world. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just keeps one stuck and limits growth beyond any of your blank spots.

Criticism: I will never forget something Dale Carnegie said, “If you want to make an enemy for life, criticize someone.”  When you fight with someone and use “you” statements instead of “I” statements you are likely to engage in criticism.

Curiosity: If there is one tool that would serve you well to root out blank spots, it is your curiosity. When you feel nothing can change or don’t challenge anything that feels off or you are not comfortable with, you will be in a circular life of disappointment and unhappiness. Curiosity takes you down beautiful and insightful pathways.

Cynical: You are not born cynical. You may have been victimized in some way. Whether it has been physical or emotional neglect, abuse, or some trauma you have experienced, you feel overwhelmed or out of control. Safety becomes paramount and the means you use is control. Unfortunately, control of others often doesn’t go off well. That adds to your defensive stance. Bottom line is the mixtures of all these blank spots can lead you to give up on people and look with suspicion at everyone. Unfortunately, what has happened is you have not defined support in a useful way.

Dark Spot: This is my word for people who have become so dissociated from themselves and low energy, evil energy has caused them to be hurtful people. They are the Ted Bundy’s, Jeffrey Darmer’s, Gary Ridgeway’s, and terrorists, religious fanatics, etc. They are also fairly functional abusers, predators or the mentally ill that might fit in this category. I caution you not to use this label freely. It is not a character defect I describe. It is a condition from extreme low energy.

Death or a Letting Go: The end of one existence and the beginning of a new one. You experience this “death” numerous times in your life, and you grow and mature become more aware.

Decisions: Those who seem to have trouble with decisions may have conflicting blank spots in their inner life. A part of them thinks and feels one way and another part of them thinks and feels another way. (See also Cognitive Dissonance)

Denial: This is study I found of great interest. There appears to be numerous levels in this blank spot. Denial is a refusal and often means a refusal to believe or accept something as the truth in your behavior. In psychology a defense mechanism that denies painful thoughts is a way the mind can cope with trauma.

Denial is similar to a blank spot. They both are unconscious. They both may have people around you who try to tell you you cannot see something. Unfortunately, the meaning of denial has become confused. Many people see someone with a blank spot or in denial and think the person should know about it. It has become a word used to describe what I might call rebellion or someone having to do it their way even if it is detrimental to them or others.

Depression: One day I realized the label of depression did not give me enough information to work with. I knew how it felt and how it was so pervasive in my thoughts and even my body. I knew suicidal depression. I decided to let myself look at depression with new eyes.

What came up for me was that there were some issues in my life I needed to dig a little deeper. It was as if everything was being shut down until I could figure it out. This helped me to redefine depression in my situation

Desperation: When you reach the level of desperation, it usually contains enough pain to cause you to be willing to try something different. The old ways did not work for us. It is a time that your fears start to melt away because you have set that new intention to do something to make changes. I have heard when you are in chaos, it is more of a motivation than when you are in some form of limbo. Use this emotion of desperation to move you forward.

Detachment: Whenever I talk about detachment I usually call it loving detachment. Detachment implies a cold or impersonal interest in someone. Loving detachment is an awareness of the difference between an individual’s independence and the line of codependency. You can love someone and still respect their life is theirs to figure out. The key to me is usually related to whether or not someone has asked for support.

Determined – This may seem like easy to do. You are always, on some level, determined to live a good life. However, when the rubber hits the road, it is serious determination that sees you through to success.

Discipline: Whether you challenge yourself to change a habit or learn something new, discipline is sometimes an essential factor. When I find I can be more disciplined, it is because I have found a way to know I will feel wonderful when I reach my goal.

Differences: You can’t explore relationships without the realization you have different life experiences, expectations, perspectives, priorities, values, and so on and so forth. The blank spot in this area is when you focus on your differences rather than your similarities. There is a real shift when you change that focus to also look at your similarities.

Dissociation: A situation where your unconscious mind, in an attempt to protect you from trauma, keeps traumatic experiences from your consciousness. That is a good thing. Unfortunately, to do so you have lost a bit of who you really are.

Drama: Chaotic or crisis filled moments of conflict.

Dreams: I use the word dreams a lot here. It is the initial state to form a goal or intention. Heartfelt dreams have a good chance of realization. The other definition of dreams is those dreams you have while you are asleep. They can be a good resource to create change in your life.

Dysfunction:  It is impossible to define what normal function is in your life. People are just too different. Yet, for most of you can spot dysfunction in others behaviors or attitude right off. The biggest clue is the drama and chaos that surrounds dysfunctional families or groups. You all have challenges in your life how you work them through is an indicator of how functional you are.

Ego: Often you think of ego as something like narcissism; an overly inflated love of oneself. I would say it is like a mask or your dissociated self which shows up because you are hesitant to present your authentic self or speak your truth.

Emotional Charge: When someone does or says something and you have a reaction or some type of emotional reaction from it. Most of the time it is when the mind brings up a memory. Emotional charges are a good clue to a possible blank spot.

Emotional Cords: I use this term to describe old, past emotional messages, that keep you stuck. Most of them are unconscious and are blank spots unless they are examined and understood. Each one of these emotional cords tie you to old reactions which does not address the real issues. For me, all emotional cords led to food.

Emotions: When I researched the difference between emotions, reactions and feelings, I got a little lost between the subcortical regions of the brain, the amygdala and the ventromedial prefrontal cortices. It appears my original thinking was pretty close though. I talk about reactions that come mostly from your past programming or memories. Emotions appear to be the reaction itself. Feelings are when the conscious mind has had some time to assess how it feels about it all.

Empowered: Empowerment is an aspect of Coming Alive. You all have the power to back your abilities to do whatever you would like to do. Only doubts and fear erode that power. When you fight yourself because you have doubts and fears, you give the fears more power. When you radically accept your thoughts and feelings – all of them – whether they are negative, positive or neutral you empower yourself.

Enemy: If there is an enemy at all in your inner world or the outer world, it is the blank spots that prevent you from awareness of the bigger picture of life.

Enthusiasm, Excitement, and Joy: These are the words that motivate me. When I say them, I find myself shifted into a wonderful world of possibilities and triumph. Often it is said that it is not the goal but the journey. These are the words that describe a great journey.

Envy: Simply put, envy means you do not take care of yourself and notice that others do.

Evil: The evil in this world comes from those who are immoral or malicious. In other words, they lack respect, even wish harm, on others. Those type of people have major, destructive blank spots. Those blank spots may well have come from depraved, abusive, and/or malicious parents. There is also a blank spot than comes from when you live in fear of evil. I am practical and realistic. I don’t go blindly or stupidly into bad areas of town at night. I don’t leave my car unlocked or valuables in plain sight. However, my focus is on the light in your life. It seems that focus is a form of protection.

Excuses: There are excuses and there are explanations. What turns explanations into a blank spot is if you are speak your truth or if you attempt to blame someone or something else. It is an explanation when you are open to your participation in whatever happened.

Expectations: There are expectations about your goals and there are expectations about others’ behaviors toward you. With those expectations there is a level of trust with what you expect to happen. You decide to buy a new car; you expect you can raise the money to buy it. You have a friendship; you expect you will be treated with a certain level respect. Expectations can be a blank spot for us whenever you expect any endeavor to go a certain way. Or, when you expect someone to behave a certain way or like you behave. When you are open about your expectations you have much less disappointment.

Experiences: It is your experiences that make you what you are. If they are troubled experiences, you can learn more about your strength and compassion. If they are joyful experiences, you learn about love and its expression.

Extrovert: See Introvert

Failure: I remember when I left my first husband in the middle of the night. I asked my girlfriend who roomed with me and my children, “How does one just give up?” I was pregnant and overwhelmed. I remember she said, “There is no way to give up, you have to keep going.”  Her comment to led me to understand you only fail when you give up. These days, I see failure as simply feedback that your current way doesn’t work and time to try a new one.

Faith: There is a subtle nuance between faith and hope. Hope seems to have a little doubt in it. Faith does not. Whichever word you use; the question is which one motivates you to be persistent in your challenges. When you gain some experience with the flow of manifesting your faith, hope, or even trust is a feeling that can define yourself in great ways – Come Alive ways.

Family: Those people who you connect with regularly. That may or may not be the family you are born into.

Fanaticism: Fanaticism is a zeal that is excessive and often irrational. It can be about religious or political causes.

Fascism: Any ideology, movement, or tendency that may be characterized as right-wing, chauvinist, or authoritarian. It seems this is like my way or no way which means “war”.

Fear: I have heard people make an argument to not to do something because they had a fear it might not turn out well. I have heard people avoid an expression of love because of fear it was too vulnerable. To redefine or reframe fear is a major step toward Coming Alive. Fear is usually underneath all emotions that hold you back. I reframed fear in my life. I see fear as God tapping on my shoulder to tell me if I face my fear and walk into it, I will gain some very insightful information. That changed how I felt about fear.

Feedback: Feedback can be something that you tried and it failed. Feedback can be as subtle as someone’s raised eyebrow apparently in disagreement or a question. Feedback can also be as intense as a strong emotional reaction. When you see feedback for what it is rather than get defensive, you step into a curiosity mode and could learn some very useful information.

Feelings: See Emotions.

Fighting: Fighting is so much more than a part of conflict. Fighting can be a deep desire to receive support, recognition, and respect. It may be a way to connect to different perceptions. It may also be a way to get to a real issue. If you fight with respect and love, it can actually strengthen the relationship. Plus, so much more – like real feelings you have not been able to access before. It can change your ability to deal with fights if you see them more than something bad.

The Flow: That state of mind that takes life’s challenges and works them through which leads you to success in all your goals.

Focus: Focus a thinking nature activity. It is a great tool to create movement and growth. Basically, it is what you give your attention to and allow your heart to get involved too. You then have a win-win combination.

Forgiveness: In my definition, it is the ultimate letting go of a person who has harmed us. They are still accountable; however, you become free.

Freedom: In the context of the book and blank spots, freedom is clarification and mastery of enough blank spots that you are not in constant fear or turmoil. You are in the flow.

Friends: Not always family, co-workers, or people you party with. Intimacy is what you look for in true friendships.

Fun: For those of you who are bogged down with blank spots plain heart-felt fun can be a rarity. A good indicator you have Come Alive is you have slowed down and your plate full of problems has been exchanged for a mini-bowl with a lid on it. Then you start to feel the need to do some meaningful and fun activities just for yourself.

Fundamentalism: Fundamentalism to is follow selected biblical scriptures and teachings strictly without some rational analysis.

Generosity: In every connection with others, you believe they are doing the best they can.

Get a Life: An expression of frustration that usually not useful because you may not know what the blank spot is that others struggle with.

Giving: Surprisingly, not feeling you have enough give others is a sure sign you are bogged down with blank spots. When you are free, authentic, and have Come Alive you are filled to the brim with good feelings of generosity and want to give back. (See Receiving also.)

God: God is what I call the Higher Self, The Universe, The Force, Universal Wisdom, Collective Unconscious, Goddess, and Universal Laws which all represent to me a resource of comfort and inspirational guidance when you have gone as far as you can go.

Gossip: Gossip is part mind reading and part factual. Even intuitive people are subject to some limitations based on their life experiences. So to share what you think you know about other people is based on your perception which in the context of facts most likely not true.

Gratitude: A sense of overflow of all the good that has come into your life.

Grief: When you lose family and friends, it can take a lot of time before the hole in your heart heals. One friend was finally able to move out of her grief a little when she realized her late husband didn’t leave her, he died. It was a whole different energy.

Grow Up: Growing up is one thing you should put off as long as possible. No, I don’t mean be irresponsible. I mean that childlike fun part of you. If someone get upset with you and tells you to grow up, ask them if they want to go to the beach and play in the sand.

Guilt: When you feel you have done some that goes beyond your personal integrity or have broken a law.

Habits: See Rewiring your Mind

Happiness: When you have reached a point you have sorted out the majority of the blank spots which stand in your way to Come Alive, you begin to have longer and longer periods of contentment, peace, and a sense of well-being. For me it became a guiding light once I had experienced a little bit of it.

Hate: Is hate the opposite of love?  I wonder if hate is when you stare your own fear in the face and want to put a person’s name to it. I see hate as a blank spot that may mask or hide your own personal insecurities. Is there reason to ever hate?  Of course, people do hateful things. However, at some point hate becomes too heavy to bear unless you find others to join us. The bottom line with hate is you have to always put energy and thinking time into the hate. It doesn’t go away. The only way out is forgiveness. Please know I do not say you have to associate with that person, it just means you free yourself.

Healing: The broadest definition of Come Alive. There is a part of you that is pure and whole. It is your spirit. Whatever you think or do cannot change that. Whatever you feel cannot change that. So when I think of healing I think of how to open that spiritual part of me to what I need to understand. It always answers.

Help: There is a belief that you cannot help others. You can only support them to help themselves. That is true. When I struggled in my life, the biggest help from others was when they could be completely honest in their feedback. Plus, a reminder they had all the confidence in the world I would figure it out.

Honesty: I consider myself an honest woman. Yet, when I learned about blank spots I realized in many areas of my life I lived a lie. Not the kind of lie that is conscious. The lie that I did not stop and dig a little deeper in what I was really feeling that motivated an unconscious agenda.

Hope: Hope is a mindset that what you want is a real possibility. It is one feeling that can get you through whatever you struggle with. Without hope, you can give up. (See Faith.)

Humiliation: This is when you feel embarrassed or shamed by someone or even your own behaviors. This can be a blank spot if you become defensive or have a charge over the situation. When you feel humiliation, it is time to take stock in what just happened. It very well could be that there needs to be some inner detective work done on the area you felt humiliated about.

Humility: One might say humility is the opposite of arrogance. To me humility means you acknowledge you cannot live this life alone. You know, the “no man is an island concept”. Another way to look at it is that the more you know, the more you realize how little you know. Humility is a signal that you need to acknowledge you may need to ask for help or guidance. (See also Confidence and Humiliation.)

Humor: The best medicine for all ills. People with a lot of blank spots tend to be very serious. It is almost like they do not allow themselves to have fun or look at life light-heartedly until whatever is heavy on their mind and heart is resolved. There are those who have a humor blank spot who go the other way when they have a joke about whatever troubles them. It is a distraction or avoidance. When you Come Alive, there is a balance. You feel the seriousness and you feel the light-heartedness.

Independence: Compare independence with codependency and counter-dependency and you will see that there are elements of all three that are a healthy. You need to be responsible for your own life, ask for help when you need it and support others when they ask.

Intention: Do you want it or do you only see what you don’t want it?  To want is intention.

Intervention: When someone’s behavior can cause serious harm to themselves or others, loved ones may need to step up and call attention to that behavior.

Intimacy: When I think of intimacy I think it is the closeness you have with family or friends that allows you to share your very soul and not fear you will receive anything except acceptance and honesty.

Introvert: Introverts have an active inner life which does not require a lot of outer stimulation. They can be the brain trusts of your world. Extroverts on the other hand are outgoing, get things done type of people, and love being surrounded by others. They are great leaders if they know to call on the brain trust introvert.

Inventory: In 12-step programs the 4^th step is to take an inventory of one’s life, root out whatever you feel you may have done that harmed someone. Then you move onto steps 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 in preparation to make amends, make the amends and let it go. It is a good process especially if one has an addiction to deal with. It is a good way to let go of many blank spots.

Another definition of inventory is when people take another’s inventory which means they look at what they perceive as another’s blank spots or faults. As I discussed in Chapter Two, what you see in others are most likely your own blank spots, otherwise you would not even notice or have a reaction to them in others.

Intuition: Those moments when a thought comes out of the blue when you were thinking about something else. You do have to learn to discern what is inspiration and what is influenced by your life experiences.

Jealousy: When I find I am jealous; I take it as a signal that there is something in my life I am have not given myself.

Judgment: Judgment is similar to jealousy. There is something in your life that is not working and you have noticed it in someone else.

Karma: Karma is often thought of as “what goes around, comes around”. It may also be cause and effect. In some spiritual circles, karma is thought of as your deeds, good or bad, that come back in a future reincarnation. I lean toward what goes around, comes around.

Kindness: The act that is the true expression of love. It is filled with compassion and respect.

Labels: The only label that is real when it comes to describe anyone is human. Any label you give someone today will probably be obsolete a few days from now. You are changing, growing human beings. Don’t cage anyone in a label.

Learn It Now or Learn It Later: This concept stepped up in my development of my inner detective. Life was just plain too complex and difficult to have to repeat any of my blank spots.

Let Go: You talk about the need to move on from your traumas, stress, betrayals, grief, abuse, and anything that has harmed you or causes you pain. I am of the mindset that whatever has caused me hurt or pain, I want to totally heal from it. I do not want to continue to revisit it over and over. To me that is the true letting go.

Limiting or Limited Beliefs: I have heard a client say more than once that they have a lot of fears to try something different. They have a limited belief that feeling fear means they should not move forward toward. My belief is that when I feel fear, it is God tapping on my shoulder saying, “If you move into what you fear, there is some significant and very useful information that will come to you.”  So, I would I encourage you to challenge any beliefs you have settled on that stops you.

Listening: If there is any one quality or characteristic you can use to support good communication, it is listening. So much of the time you wait for the other person to stop so you can share what you think. This is not listening.

Lose or Win: See Win or Lose

Love:

“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” – Fred Rogers

This is what has been on my heart lately about love…

Maybe the most difficult task in one’s life is not your work, your relationships or even your health. Maybe, the most difficult task is to stay in the light of love and compassion when the world seems to feed you darkness of hate, blame, and pain.

That darkness can become a trial by fire, should you take it on, to burn away your doubts and fears of a life in the vulnerability of love and compassion.

Love – What Does It Mean and How to Communicate It: This became my life-saving mission. I do not remember how and when I received it. I did not read it or hear it or see it. It just came to me and yet it seemed to have been with me my whole life. All I know is it was a guiding light that gave me purpose. Do you have a guiding light thought?

Master It Now or Keep Repeating It Until You Do: See Learn It Now or Learn It Later.

Mind Reading: This is not about psychic skills. It is about when you think you know what another person is thinking. It is far, far better to just straight out ask.

Mindfulness: See Present Moment Living

Miracles: I call every Aha! Moment a miracle because the definition of miracle, in part, is an unusual or extremely outstanding event. Many of you live a life of boredom and stagnation. To have an Aha! Moment in such a situation is definitely a miracle.

Mistakes: Mistakes are a sign you are about to learn something.

Motivation: You cannot think your way to motivation. All the rah-rahs in the world will not keep you motivated unless you truly have a strong feeling for what you are about to do. This the reason the law of attraction can fall flat for some.

My Way or No Way: See Openness.

Negativity: You often judge experiences, feelings, and thoughts as positive or negative. You fight to keep negativity out of your life. Yet, if negativity is a part of your shadow side or part of an obstacle or challenge, why you want to judge it and try to avoid it? Embrace it. Explore it.

Obstacles: In my mind obstacles are a gift from The Universe/God. They lead you to dig deeper to find new information you need to move toward your goal.

Openness: When you live with numerous blank spots you have, essentially, closed yourself off a bit from your ability to experience Aha! Moments. In order to effectively use your inner detective and look for transformational information in your obstacles, you need to open your mind to new possibilities and is a sure fire way to move forward.

Pain:

“There is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the wrestling with your problems that can be the impetus for your growth.” – Fred Rogers

I define pain as the cost of your unknown blank spots. If you are in pain, time to dig a little deeper and find those blank spot.

Passion: Yes, it is that passion too!! The passion I talk about is the pure love for whatever you do. It is the feeling I describe as your true motivation.

Peace: A synonym of happiness. See Happiness.

Perception: You both can look at the same beautiful sunset behind a snow capped mountain. You may see the snow and rocks and I may see the glow of the sun. You both have different perceptions. It is the same with how you perceive behaviors of other people. It is whatever grabs your attention. With this in mind it behooves you to check out if others see your mutual experiences in the same way. Chances are extremely high you don’t.

Persistence: Persistence is a necessary tool in success. Start and stop, go forward, and then backward, then do it all over again doesn’t faze anyone who is persistent. The goal is to simply take one step and a time and learn. Does it work? Or, does not work?  It is a willingness to pick yourself up every time you fall flat on your face and continue. It is a willingness to feel strongly you can do this and only some lack of understanding stands in your way.

Play: See Fun.

Pleasure: See Comfort

Positivity: Some people resist labeling your life experiences as positive or negative. Positive is happy, warm, and fuzzy. Negative is sad, cold, and sharp. So you think. In recent years my definition of the challenges, problems, and obstacles have changed. I stop the labels. It stopped the inner fight. I began to see all experiences as opportunities to find some transformational information. It was life-changing. (See Negativity)

Power: See Empowered

Present Moment: You hear a lot about mindfulness or living in the present moment. What it means is to put all your senses into play right now at this very moment. You refrain from regrets from the past or worry about the future. You can know if you function in the present moment when will feel a type of connection to all things. I just don’t have the words to describe it. It is definitely a connection with the inner and outer world though.

Projection: Projection is closely tied to perception. In fact, it influences it almost completely. The way you look at your world is shaded by your life experiences. This is projection. To know this will help you to understand how conflict can come in your relationships. It helps stop the “I’m right, you’re” scenario. Chances are you could both be right because perception becomes projection.

Purpose: Some of you know what you have a passion for while others wonder. I say your purpose is to take one day at a time to find the meaning of love and how to express it. All else will fall into place.

Pushy: See Assertive

Questions: The beginning of all new adventures.

Radical Acceptance: I describe it as acknowledgement of all your feelings without judgement. Negativity then loses its power you become empowered.

Two quotes more eloquently describe it than I can are:

“Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience yourself and your lives as it is.” – Tara Brach, PhD.

“Radical Acceptance means completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality. When you stop fighting you suffer less.” – Karen Hall, PhD

Reaching Out: See Asking for Help

Reactions: An experience that has brought up emotions. A charge is the zing. A reaction can then create a whole range of feelings. Many people get lost in the emotions instead of the recognition reactions are mostly the unconscious bringing up blank spots for you to release. With patience you can tap into what you genuinely feel.

Real Issue: It is a simple concept, yet, one you do not often consider. Yet, you will have the same type of arguments over similar issues. You may give up that someone can hear you because they don’t get it. I would suggest that the is a deeper – real – issue that gets in the way.

Reality: You live under the illusion that most people live in the same emotional world you do. The lens of your perceptions may seem real but, well, let’s just say there are a few things that can interfere with what you think is real. Things such as life experiences, unconscious memories, blank spots, beliefs, not to mention everything you process is filtered through all the aforementioned plus many other filters. So is reality really reality.

Receiving: There are people who struggle receiving help, gifts, or even caring.  My take on receiving is you are in a position to give someone great feelings about giving you something.  It is certainly worth consideration.  What have you got to lose?  (See Giving also.)

Reframe: This is a technique I love. It is one I use the most with my coaching clients. I do not know how many times I have heard one of them say, “I hadn’t thought of it that way.” Sometimes the way you perceive something gets in the way of growth and movement forward. It is so much more than turning something into a positive. It is a heart-felt shift in your thought. Here are a few samples.

“I made so many mistakes,” reframed could be, “I have learned from every mistake I made and has brought me to a better place.”

“They do not want to be with me,” reframed could be, “I wonder if I can find a new way to connect.”

Regret: Regret is sadness or disappointment with a past experience that you believe you could have done differently. The way out of regret is to make amends, if possible. You can make amends even if the person is not available. Another way out of regret is to make what is called a living amends. That means to change how you live so you do not continue to build the same regrets.

Resentments: Resentments come when you feel you have mistreated and have not had an apology or acknowledgement of the wrong doing. The concern about resentment is what purpose does it serve you to carry resentment. It just put toxins in your body. There are so many ways to let go of resentment if you decide that is what you want. One is the resentment prayer. You pray for that person to have what you would want for yourself. It works because it changes the focus completely.

Respect: Respect can come from caring or love and it can from fear. Most of you will eventually resist respect that comes from fear because, essentially, it becomes a power struggle. You may put a lot of energy to find a way to out-smart someone who holds this kind of respect. Maybe you just need to walk away. The respect that is part of Coming Alive is the respect what all people, even if they are flawed with behaviors you do not like, deserve to have the respect as a human being who is doing the best they can with what they know.

Responses: I use the word responses in the context of emotional reactions or charges versus a considered response. The difference is reactions and charges are triggered by non-always known past experiences or memories. Responses are when you do not act on those initial reactions and charges and give it some considered thought.

Responsibility: Bottom line no matter how you spin it, you are personally responsible for your lives. If your life sucks there may be some major blank spots that get in your way. Once you become an adult even if you are unprepared, you are then responsible to learn what you need to learn to turn your life into a life you appreciate.

Yes, there are true victims that have been terrorized in some way. The difference between those who can heal may well be their ability to wind their way out of being stuck in a net of emotions that keep recycling which hold healing back. Life is a bit like that for all of you and most of you can work your way out of it. For those of you who have been victimized the net is so much bigger and stickier.

Rewire your Mind: I use this term to describe a process to become aware of what you think that limits you and change it permanently. Sometimes the change comes from clearly understanding. Sometimes the change comes from not going down the same thinking path any longer. Other times, it takes some strong feelings to make that shift.

Right or Wrong: See Being Right

Roles: There are roles that are just a normal part of our society such mother, father, children, boss, worker, doctor, dentist, student, and so many more. The roles you do not always clearly see are the ones people may take on because there is need. For example, a child may take on the role of a parent because the parent is somewhat or entirely absent or dissociated from their parent role. A worker may well be the leader, more so than the boss. The time these types of roles are a problem is when they created because of dysfunction and not dealt with directly.

Rules: On a personal level, rules are like habits. They are what you use to save time and the need to re-invent the wheel. Your unconscious loves rules and habits and constantly looks for patterns to make into habits. Rules are conscious efforts to create predictable results.

Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Self-Trust, Self-Love: Simply, they all come down what you think and feel about yourself. I have shared how I have made people cry when I tell them that within them is a confident, caring, and cooperative spirit and if you do not know it, it is because you misunderstand something very essential – Underneath it all you are good people.

Self-Talk: One of important blank spots to explore is awareness of your self-talk. The messages that you can tell yourself can be life affirming or life minimizing. Since your self-talk is mostly unconscious, it takes a little effort to pay attention. This in itself can be life altering.

Selfish: See Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Self-Trust, Self-Love

Sensitivity: Sensitivity to others thoughts and feelings can be a blessing and a curse. It is a curse because you so want to not see others in pain or hurt and don’t always know what to do. It is a blessing because sometimes people shut down in that pain and hurt. To notice and acknowledge it can open up some relief for them.

Service: You are in a world where relationships are everywhere you look. It just makes sense that for the growth and betterment of yourself and those around you, you share what you know and what you have with others.

Sexual Orientation: My personal belief is most of the time it homosexuality is not a choice, it is genetic. It can be a choice. Then logically if it is a genetic thing, then God made you all as well as homosexuals, so why do you fight over it?

Shadow Side: I have never met anyone who does not have a shadow side. Even the most loving, compassionate, enlightened people have moments of negativity. They are usually the ones who have dug deep into their shadow to learn how to become the wholesome people they are. They accept all of themselves.

Shame: Guilt is when you do something wrong and shame is when you think there is something wrong with us.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda: This is another group of words that represent regret. Regret is sadness or disappointment about a past experience you feel responsible for. (See Regret.)

Skills: Life may seem totally overwhelming and you certainly do not learn anything from school to manage your lives. However, to find a means to find solutions and get into the flow, you have just learn life skills that lead you to success every time.

Soothing: See Comfort

Stand Up for yourself: If you do not stand up for yourself, who will?  If you have a belief to stand up for yourself will create conflict or you don’t deserve it for some reason, change will rarely happen. It is one of those situations you have to dig a little deeper to find a respectful way to express your needs.

Stillness: I speak of stillness because most of you are scared to death to slow down and stop and just sit with your feelings. A whole lot of angst out there would stop if you just for a moment stepped back and took a few moments to contemplate a mutually acceptable way to deal with a difficulty.

Stories: You talk about your stories. Your stories are how you frame your past histories. The caution with your stories is whether or not they support growth and heal you or if they hinder it. Some of your stories might create obstacles to Come Alive.

Strength: It seems to know your strengths is something that alludes a lot of us. Yet, when the chips are down you will do the best you can to do the right thing. You will also, in the worse of circumstances, call upon your deepest spirit to pick yourself up, learn, and grow.

Stubbornness: See Persistence

Submission: See Surrender

Surrender: Most definitions of surrender seem to lean toward giving up your power because you e think wyou e cannot win or are not strong enough. I would differ in that when in the realm of blank spots. To surrender would mean that you are willing to give up an old way to learn a new way which actually empowers.

Survivor: When you have been a victim of some trauma, the first steps out of blame and victimization is to view yourself as survivors. You got through it and even if you a traumatized or scarred, to move into a survivor mode is movement. Then one day, you may be able to say you are healed.

Time Management: See Busy

Transformational Information: It usually comes in the middle of when all hell has broken loose and everywhere you turn seems to have an obstacle. If I can remain calm and radically accept what thoughts and feelings come up, it will unfold naturally.

Trauma: Trauma is beyond a spat, disagreement or even a fight. Trauma can include physical injury. Trauma can push you into many spontaneous blank spots. Trauma usually requires therapy or structured treatment to heal.

Trust: Trust is about whether or not you feel you can handle whatever happens in your life. It is mostly an internal challenge. When it comes whether or not to trust others, if you recognize you all have diverse thoughts, feelings, expectations, perceptions, values, experiences, and priorities and are flexible in that sense, trust will have clarity. When people surprise or disappoint us, you may have run across the lack of clarity – a blank spot. (See also Faith.)

Truth: There are personal truths, society’s truths, and Universal truths. There are Bible truths, Torah truths, Qur’an truths, The Book of Mormon truths, The Course in Miracles truths, just to name a very few. Then there are legal truths, psychological truths, and philosophical truths. How do you find which truths to believe?  Well, by now you might know my answer. To know your truth, ask – set an intention to know. The answers will unfold shortly.

Understand: So much change can come into your life by awareness of the bigger picture of life, especially the bigger picture of your life. Clarity in your thinking brings a safe place to feel your feelings where all change comes from.

Values: What is important or useful to use. When weyou value something it becomes a part of your inner life’s structure.

Victim: See Survivor

Victory: Another word for success. See Success.

Voice: You all have a voice. In the context of this book, I mean you know who you are and are able to express your individuality with integrity and confidence.

Vulnerability: You may be surprised with my definition!  Vulnerability is the foundation you build your identity from. When you walk into the unknown and you eventually become humbled by how little you really know. It is then your vulnerability that you become closer to the wisdom and love of the universe because in that vulnerability you have opened your heart to let more of life in.  Dr. Brene’ Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” Brené also says that “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity.

Whining: See Complaining

What Goes Around Comes Around: This concept allowed me let go of people who had mistreated me. I believe that God does a much better job at comeuppance or to teach these people what they need to know than I could even think of. I have seen it happen too often to give it a second thought any more. Once I get over my anger and resentment, I move on.

Who Am I? – Many of you travel around in your body and are not in them. You become dissociated from part of your spirit because of trauma or other life experiences. When you start to challenge whatever in your life that does not feel supportive of growth, change, healing, and especially joy, you bring yourself back into your body and function as your real, authentic self.

Whole: I use this term to mean a balance of thought and feeling, positive and negative, and body, mind, and spirit.

Win or Lose: This is a mindset that will get us into a competitive energy. Competition is a great motivator; win or lose can be a dead end road. (See Competition)

Wisdom: Experience plus clarity of your thinking that implies you have found a way to use good judgment from them.

Words:

“It’s only words, and words are all I have…” sang the Bee Gees

Words can make you or break you. If your vocabulary contains caring and compassionate words, you have a much better chance of success and live in a caring and compassionate world. If your vocabulary is filled with negative, judgmental, emotional, or disordered words, you might find yourself in a downward spiral. When someone talks to me I might wonder, “Of all the words one could pick I wonder why did they chose those ones they did.” It can be helpful in seeing where they are stuck. Monitor your words for a while and see how you do.

Worship: In my life, I wanted people to worship me. I wanted love and respect. Unfortunately, worship is for God or, as in my case, a need for excessive admiration. It was a need to have some huge hole in my heart filled. Others, could not fill that hole.

Worthy: This word aligns itself with self-respect. As humans you all work to have a good life. Some fail and some succeed. None of it has to do with your worthiness. I confidently say with the many people I have met and grew to know over the years, that even if you mess up, make huge mistakes, get lost, fight and fuss, even do some harm, you are always worthy. Once you know it, your life will open up into the realm of Coming Alive.

Wrong or Right: See Right or Wrong