An Experience with Being Vulnerable

A while back I realized that I sought a kind of safety in being in control. If something happened that did not go the way I thought it should or if someone said something that disagreed with my position, I would feel very vulnerable…really frightened and alone. I am a planner. I am someone who has sharpened my organizational skills. I waste no energy on chaos and disorder because I know it will lead me to unhealthy things like overeating.

What I realized in this need for control and organization and planning was I was avoiding growth and the rewards of that growth. I really was just trying to keep things static and known even if it was not always comfortable. The bad news was the stress in trying to keep things the same or be “prepared” for any eventually was so stressful I could never hope to get the weight off because I was always numbing me to deal with the pain of the stress.

The good news was that I came to realize that the only way to overcome this stress was to be open to the unknown and my own vulnerabilities. (Plus I did not have a lot of friends because people do not like being around a controller — they feel manipulated). I remember that insight very clearly because I stopped feeling so protective of my vulnerabilities. It was a process that came to be very helpful in getting out of my cycle of doom. I had a lot of insecurities I had to face and behavior I needed to examine.

The bottom line was whenever I would hold on tight to keeping myself feeling safe and in control, I usually got booted in the you-know-what with failure. Failure stopped being an option and if success meant being open to the unknown, it was less painful than the failure (because I never planned to fail, HA!)

What has been your experience with feeling vulnerable? How do you manage it?